Today I literally sat for about an hour staring at nothing, wondering when I had lost it. I tried to think back if there was an exact moment, maybe a series of events that slowly changed my perception. Or perhaps it slowly crept out as I grew up, forever leaving its stain.
I wondered when I had lost my compassion. I wondered when I had lost the ability to love a complete stranger. When it became so damn hard for me to give of myself. I remembered as a kid there was nothing in the world that made me happier than being there for someone who needed me. Alone I would walk to the nursing home and just hang out with the people who had no family who'd visit. I would get money from my parents to buy whatever I wanted and instead I'd go to church and just give it all away, or give it to students in my mom's first grade class who didn't have a jacket. Now I find myself avoiding people who need me. I've become obsessed with myself. Looking at life like a chess game; where every move I make is well thought out and guaranteed to benefit me in some way. I've become the epitome of fear. Afraid that I'll be played the fool, or used by someone I love. And in order to avoid this I think only of myself, only giving if I've first received. Giving no one a part of me, that way I never get hurt. In this world I've created for myself, I never get hurt because I never love. I never give because to give is to love and to love is to lose.
I've been shutting down such a huge part of me. The part that made me... me. I think it's high time to just let myself love and give and lose.
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Lina...this is so beautiful it makes me cry.
ReplyDeleteIn regard to your inner changes, it makes sense that you are now in a new phase after the innocent giving of your childhood and earlier years. It's a period of stepping back now and reflecting - even if it may mean self criticism and doubt - it's hard. Like a dark night of the soul. But, I have a good feeling about the next phase (rather than calling it the outcome, as we constantly change). Be with this current feeling (as if you would be able to immediately change it anyway...) and let it either fester until you decide it's not really you after all. Or, surprisingly, perhaps now you are just learning to have a new sense of "filters". You're still awesome.
I think everyone goes through this at some point or another. This is great.
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