Fear Makes the Wolf Bigger Than He Is

Today I literally sat for about an hour staring at nothing, wondering when I had lost it. I tried to think back if there was an exact moment, maybe a series of events that slowly changed my perception. Or perhaps it slowly crept out as I grew up, forever leaving its stain.

I wondered when I had lost my compassion. I wondered when I had lost the ability to love a complete stranger. When it became so damn hard for me to give of myself. I remembered as a kid there was nothing in the world that made me happier than being there for someone who needed me. Alone I would walk to the nursing home and just hang out with the people who had no family who'd visit. I would get money from my parents to buy whatever I wanted and instead I'd go to church and just give it all away, or give it to students in my mom's first grade class who didn't have a jacket. Now I find myself avoiding people who need me. I've become obsessed with myself. Looking at life like a chess game; where every move I make is well thought out and guaranteed to benefit me in some way. I've become the epitome of fear. Afraid that I'll be played the fool, or used by someone I love. And in order to avoid this I think only of myself, only giving if I've first received. Giving no one a part of me, that way I never get hurt. In this world I've created for myself, I never get hurt because I never love. I never give because to give is to love and to love is to lose.

I've been shutting down such a huge part of me. The part that made me... me. I think it's high time to just let myself love and give and lose.