Fear Makes the Wolf Bigger Than He Is

Today I literally sat for about an hour staring at nothing, wondering when I had lost it. I tried to think back if there was an exact moment, maybe a series of events that slowly changed my perception. Or perhaps it slowly crept out as I grew up, forever leaving its stain.

I wondered when I had lost my compassion. I wondered when I had lost the ability to love a complete stranger. When it became so damn hard for me to give of myself. I remembered as a kid there was nothing in the world that made me happier than being there for someone who needed me. Alone I would walk to the nursing home and just hang out with the people who had no family who'd visit. I would get money from my parents to buy whatever I wanted and instead I'd go to church and just give it all away, or give it to students in my mom's first grade class who didn't have a jacket. Now I find myself avoiding people who need me. I've become obsessed with myself. Looking at life like a chess game; where every move I make is well thought out and guaranteed to benefit me in some way. I've become the epitome of fear. Afraid that I'll be played the fool, or used by someone I love. And in order to avoid this I think only of myself, only giving if I've first received. Giving no one a part of me, that way I never get hurt. In this world I've created for myself, I never get hurt because I never love. I never give because to give is to love and to love is to lose.

I've been shutting down such a huge part of me. The part that made me... me. I think it's high time to just let myself love and give and lose.

August

So, this is my last day of complete freedom for a few months, while school reclaims my soul. I have to admit that I'm going to welcome the change of pace. I mean facebook and inner reflection are all fantastic, but there's nothing worse than signing into facebook and there are no new notifications because I just signed out five minutes ago. I somehow convinced myself that people were waiting for me to sign out to email me or leave me comments.

Then, of course, there's the facebook dry spells when no one interesting really updates their status, or if they do it's something like, "eating lunch" or some obscure song lyric that no matter how long you stare at, you just can't get, "liquid dynomite ate away at the cancerous tree vines of the lighthouse." I've realized the song lyric technique is a trap. Once you ask where it's from, they have some sort of smug response and an equally obscure band, "Static Chaos. I saw them in concert with Britney, they're so legit." Then I ask them what it means which always seems to annoy the knowers of unknown bands, I know this because they always add the "uh" at the beginning of a comment. The meaning is usually really shallow, "uh, he's talking about partying in L.A." See, once I've inquired about the lyric they consider themselves superior in the knowledge of music, therefore superior in life. Knowing bands no else has heard of is the adult version of swinging higher on the swings.

Then when I'm not on facebook I stare at the ceiling and question my existence. I ask deep questions, but I soon grow tired because I see no reason in asking a question that I don't know the answer to, seeing as to I'm the one who asked the question in the first place. Then I decide that I'm going to meditate. So I sit in the middle of the room and close my eyes, that's really all I know about meditation since that's all I really care to find out. I start to think about things, mostly shallow things, like how I'm going to do my hair, or about bleaching my teeth, or how my dog's tummy smells like corn chips. But then my cell phone will ring or a bird will hit the living room window (birds can be so selfish) which distracts me, so that's when I get back up and maybe this time someone has written me.

So, now that you have a window into what August looks like for me, you can see why Principles of Mathematical Logic and Introduction to Object Oriented Programming seem to be freaking Disneyland.

Ahhhhh.... Glad That One is off My Chest

I feel as if my first blog should be deep and meaningful. It should be full of wise anecdotes, or content that makes the reader stop and think to themselves, "Wow, I never looked at it that way." But, unfortunately, I'm not feeling too clever at the moment. So, I've decided to write about something that I think all people should unanimously stop doing. Consider my first blog to be an advice column of sorts.

Advice: Stop Stating the Obvious
i.e.) "Lina, you really need to move out of Arizona."

Okay, this goes beyond trying to help someone, giving them friendly advice such as when to plant squash, or why you shouldn't sniff AJAX. Giving someone advice that's completely obvious says, "Hey fucktard, you're obviously about as smart as my fern, so let me help you; inhaling is usually followed by exhaling." It's about as useful as telling a 400 lb man, "You know, you probably shouldn't eat that." I've seen/ experienced this time and again. Every time Captain Obvious decides to share their infinite wisdom, they're met with a stare, that may be too subtle for them to notice. That stare says, "I'm 400 fucking pounds! You don't think the fact that I can't wipe my own ass doesn't remind me that maybe, just maybe, I might have let myself go?" My stare usually says, "Really? There's something more out there? You mean it gets better than living with my parents, having no money, living in a town where my social life consists of one of two types of men; young and unambitious, or middle aged and unstable? It gets better than being around a bunch of republicans who's library consists only of the Left Behind Series and the Bible, and they call themselves well read?"

Usually I'm the first to dish out advice to my friends, and sometimes it seems obvious. The difference lies in the fact that they are my friends, I've invested time into finding out who they are, and what they want out of life, I actually care about the outcome. The type of "obvious statements" explained above are usually dished out to people you don't know very well. Because if you did, you'd know that being 400 lbs isn't the problem it's a symptom. And living in Arizona, is getting Lina one step closer to being exactly where SHE wants to be.